


Not Quite Nothing

by zuelar



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic, Only Mostly Devastated - Sophie Gonzales
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, BAMF Allison Reynolds, Bisexual Allison Reynolds (All For The Game), Demisexual Neil Josten, F/F, F/M, M/M, Minor Character Death, Neil Josten Is an Idiot, Neil and Mary have a good relationship, Neil has cousins, Neil is on math team, Non Exy Obsessed Neil, Only Mostly Devastated AU, POV Neil Josten, Stuart is a good uncle, Summer Romance, This is all based off of an idea I had about OMD, Underage Drinking, i'll add more later, idk what else to tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 18:15:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29068644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zuelar/pseuds/zuelar
Summary: “I’ll never forget you,” he’d said.“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy,” he’d said.“You aren’t nothing, not to me,” he’d said.”Yet here I was, sitting on the kitchen counter of our rental house, dreading that my entire summer had been some sort of trauma induced fever dream.ORAn Only Mostly Devastated AU where Neil is Ollie, Andrew is Will and instead of music and basketball, it's math and exy. Basically: Neil and Andrew meet over the summer in Columbia while Neil and his sick mother are visiting Uncle Stuart in South Carolina after finally escaping The Butcher. After they say goodbye, Neil finds out that they're staying in Palmetto and he can't wait to find Andrew again. To his excitement, Andrew goes to Palmetto too but when they see each other face to face again, he's not the boy he fell in love with over the summer. Add in a little bit of teen awkwardness, mafia violence and some family drama, you get this.
Relationships: Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker (All For The Game), Katelyn/Aaron Minyard, Kevin Day & Neil Josten, Matt Boyd/Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten & Allison Reynolds, Neil Josten & Danielle "Dan" Wilds, Neil Josten & Mary Hatford, Neil Josten & Renee Walker, Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Nicky Hemmick/Erik Klose, Stuart Hatford & Neil Josten
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!

It was late afternoon, on the very last Wednesday of August, when I realized the world had been lying to me for quite some time about Happily Ever Afters. Because, you see, I was four days into mine, and my prince was nowhere to be found.

Gone. Vanished.

 _“I’ll never forget you,”_ he’d said.

 _“I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this,”_ he’d said.

 _“You aren’t nothing, not to me,”_ he’d said.

To be honest, I shouldn't be that surprised. I'd never had a happy or safe childhood. The only happily ever afters I had seen were either from strangers or some unattainable dream. "Wesinski's aren't soft" my father said to me once as he carved my skin. I thought I had understood that.

Yet here I was, sitting on the kitchen counter of our rental house, dreading that my entire summer had been some sort of trauma induced fever dream. Why did I think this time would be different? Would it be stalkery if I sent yet _another_ message? If I rationalized it, I had only sent three and two of them were completely justified. I mean, it had been _four_ days. But he had left them all on read so does that mean he was purposefully ignoring me? Maybe he was kidnapped by aliens or something? It just didn’t make sense, Andrew _always_ responded. 

**Sunday, 11:59 AM**

_I completely failed at sneaking back in, Uncle Stuart_

_thought_ _I was an intruder and came at me with a_

 _wooden_ _spoon!_ _Totally worth it though ;)_

**Read Sunday, 2:13 PM**

I just didn’t understand. _Had I imagined it all?_ I had told him everything about my past, my father, my childhood, everything. He had told me everything about him too, I knew about the foster care and the long lost twin and enthusiastic cousin. This boy had _seen me naked._ I had never felt this way about anyone before, like at all. I just didn’t understand why he left me hanging after six of the best weeks of my life.

Before I could go too deep in my thought spiral, my mother wandered into the room and sat across from me, Uncle Stuart right behind her. 

“Neil. Do you have a second?”

I jumped so hard I almost pressed Send on the messages I'd been drafting. And let’s be honest, if I’d done that, I might as well have thrown myself back to fucking Baltimore. I tried not to seem too flustered as Mom sat on the wooden stool next to me. For good measure, I backspaced the message-in-progress. Just in case. “Uh, sure. What’s up?” Uh-oh. She had that look on her face.

My first thought was that it’d happened. Mom was getting worse. I held my breath. As in literally. Like if I was caught breathing it’d make it true, and our family would fall right off its precarious perch on the edge of a cliff called cancer post mafia escape.

That was the reason we’d come to South Carolina in the first place, after all. When Mom’s health took a turn for the worse and she’d needed some time away, to chill out and see family and actually enjoy herself for once. After years of running, struggling and literally fighting for our lives, we both deserved a much needed vacation. Uncle Stuart didn't actually live in Columbia, his real house was up in Palmetto, but the lake was a nice escape and a safe place to go for a holiday. It was actually my first time going anywhere just for the sake of it.

“Neil, honey, you know I'm not doing great right now. You've been such a great help this summer, especially watching your cousins while we handle all the doctor visits and stress." Uncle Stuart nodded with her.

“Your Uncle and I have decided it would be best for us to move here. We have a place we can stay in Palmetto. Only a few streets away from Uncle Stuart, actually. We’ll go back to California next week to grab our extra stuff and lock down the details. You’ll be back here in time to start the school year.”

Wait, what? What, what, and what, exactly?

“Stay … here? Move here, you mean? To South Carolina?”

But we were supposed to be going to be going back next week. 

Mom shrugged. Her blue, deep-set eyes had heavy bags underneath them, and her lightweight black cardigan was inside out. The tag, poking meekly out of the side seam, rustled as she dropped her arms by her sides. “Neil, we don’t have a choice.”

“But … do you … huh?” I want my mom to have the support she needed but we'd always been fine on our own and we were finally settling down into our lives, running away again was the opposite of progress. The last year I had spent so much time trying to relearn how to function socially and California was starting to feel... like a home. I had never really had one of those before. I'd lived in over 10 countries and had twice as many names but Neil Josten was just starting to be real. "I mean, Mom, the team. And the guys. Dad. I can’t …”

Mom rested her elbows on the counter and buried her forehead in her palms. “Neil. Please. Don’t make this any more difficult.”

I slumped back, staring at my phone. What was I supposed to say here? She was right, being with Uncle Stuart would probably make everything easier. I just didn't have any more energy to start over.

Then I peeked back at Mom, and I only had to take one look at the expression on her face to realize this was non-negotiable. Reluctantly, I shoved all the reasons why this would ruin everything to the back of my mind. I’d come to terms with it all later. In my room. After finding an appropriately melancholy playlist on Spotify.

But—but—but, a part of me piped up. It’s not all melancholy. Now you live in the same state as Andrew. Seeing him again might actually be plausible now.

My stomach flipped at the thought. You had silver linings, and you had platinum linings. This lining was firmly of the platinum variety. “Okay. Well, it’s … sudden. But okay. We’ll make it work.”

Mom brightened, and pulled me into a hug. “That was easier than I expected.”

My voice came out muffled against her chest. “I reserve the right to complain constantly moving forward. I’d sound like a monster if I said no and you know it. Not that I had a choice, did I?”

As Mom let me go, she gave a brief laugh. “No, God no, but I appreciate the cooperation all the same.”

“At least you’re honest.” I forced a smile, and Mom hopped off the stool to start lunch preparations.

“We will make it work, I promise,” she said as she clattered around in the crisper to retrieve some tomatoes and lettuce. “Sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the people we love, right? It might not be ideal, but we may as well do it with a grin.”

I nodded absentmindedly and went back to my phone. At least the first problem was solved. This totally counted as a good enough reason to send multiple text messages.

Now he’d have to reply, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @zuelarr --> https://zuelarr.tumblr.com/


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil Starts his first day at Palmetto and makes some new friends. Andrew still isn't responding but everything is totally okay, right?
> 
> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so a little background to set up this Alternate Universe:
> 
> Neil and his mother still ran when he was ten and his father is still an abusive mafia boss. In Seattle, Nathan caught up to them and both Mary and Neil were injured but no one died. The FBI arrested Nathan and his people and Uncle Stuart (who is no longer in a crime syndicate but instead living a chill life as a single father in South Carolina) reasons with the Moriyamas to let them be free in exchange for ties with the Hatford crime family in England. The Moriyamas cut all ties with the Butcher to evade FBI involvement and Neil and Mary Josten get to become real people. Unfortunately, the run in in Seattle leaves Mary injured and with some long term health problems that she is currently struggling with. 
> 
> Neil and Mary move to California where Neil meets Jean (another kid who escaped the Moriyamas), Jeremy, Laila and Alvarez. They become close friends and help Neil adjust to normal life after all of the violence and time on the run. He is especially close with Jean because they've both had similar experiences. (Details on Jeans escape are unimportant to the story so you can just decide it to be whatever you want)
> 
> When his mother gets worse, Neil and Mary go to Columbia, South Carolina, and stay with Uncle Stuart for a vacation. While there, he meets a boy named Andrew on the beach and they immediately click. The summer is spent trading secrets, trust, kisses and maybe even some form of love. (Neil tells andrew about Nathan and his time on the run and Andrew tells Neil about the foster system and his own trauma.) Neil never meets Aaron but he knows about their strange relationship. He does meet Nicky briefly however, more about that soon. Come August, Neil has to leave and Andrew and his family also have to go home. They say goodbye and promise to try and keep in touch. This is where Neil finds out he's staying and decides to look for Andrew again.
> 
> I think that's everything!
> 
> ((Neil also knows Kevin a little bit but that drama will come later!))

**Wednesday, 6:05 PM**

_Hey. So. Funny story. I’m_   
_moving to SC for a while._   
_I’m going to be living in_   
_Palmetto. Any chance_   
_that’s near you?_

**Unread**

A week and a half later, I still hadn't heard back from Andrew. Who doesn’t touch their phone for twelve days? I mean, in all fairness, I never really used my phone until the year before but that's because I was on the run from my serial killer father and didn't exactly have the time nor energy for proper digital social etiquette. But now, after some serious effort put in by Jeremy and Laila, even _I_ knew that was a long time to not hear back. Seriously. Since I sent that text, I’d:

•Packed.

•Left the lake house.

•Flown back to California.

•Packed up my entire house.

•Said good-bye to all my friends.

•Consumed three milkshakes of pure misery (or in my case, bowls of fruit). One with Jean, one with Jeremy, and one more with Jean because he had a late-night craving after already officially saying good-bye to me.

•Flown to Palmetto

•Unpacked my entire house.

•Freaked out in secret twice.

•Freaked out a little bit in front of my Mom once.

•Made a blood vow with myself to stop freaking out.

•Taken a run through Palmetto almost every day and mapped out all of the important landmarks.

•Watched Frozen three times. Twice, with my cousins in the room. Once, on my own because it was already in the DVD player and I couldn’t be bothered to change it. Also 'JereJean' is always trying to convince me to learn about pop culture.

And in all that time, not one message from Andrew? Screw that. Maybe the summer hadn't meant as much to him but I at least thought he would have the balls to tell me to leave him alone. I was officially over it.

Not so over it that I didn’t want to vent, though. And tonight was my chance. After several failed attempts, Jean, Jeremy, and I had finally found a time we were all free to Skype. I’d intended to take the call in my room, but Uncle Stuart decided at the last minute that he needed me in the kitchen to peel the cucumbers for the salad. So I multitasked, with the laptop on the dining room table and a cutting board beside it.

Uncle Stuart and Mom were cooking a special dinner to celebrate the grand opening of our new kitchen. Trouble was, our special meals were usually takeout, since we never had people over for dinner because of the whole on the run things and therefore had no one to impress but ourselves. And pad thai from the restaurant down the street had historically impressed both of us without fail in California.

By the time Mom cracked (no pun intended) and pulled up a Gordon Ramsay tutorial on YouTube to copy from, tensions were running high. To make things worse, joining us in the kitchen were my very bored and crabby cousins, Crista and Dylan.

Basically, the house was chaos, and adding a Skype call into it all didn’t help.

“It’s a little loud on your end,” Jean said, making a face into the camera. On the bed beside him, Jeremy burst into giggles.

“Right, sorry. Just try to ignore it,” I said. I had to speak on an angle in order to peel the cucumbers.

Jean said something in response, but he was drowned out by Crista’s whining.

“Aunt Mary? Aunt Mary? Aunt Mary?” She followed Mom around the kitchen, holding onto her bowl of apple slices and cheddar cheese, while Mom pretended she couldn’t hear.

“Sorry, what?” I asked the screen.

Jean and Jeremy gave me matching amused looks. “I said, have you unpacked yet?” Jean yelled.

I opened my mouth to reply, but ended up with an apple slice shoved unceremoniously in my face. “Don’t like the skin,” Dylan said in a firm voice, waving the apple around.

“It’s a little late for that, buddy,” I said. “Just eat around it.”

“The skin.”

“I’m busy right now, I’m peeling something else. It’d get cucumber juice all over your apple. Go get Aunt Mary to help you.”

“Aunt Mary” gave me a warning look, and I ducked behind my laptop.

Jeremy's face had taken over the screen, so close I could almost count his pale blond eyelashes. “So, we wanted to tell you in person, but we’ve been asked to compete at states!”

My mouth dropped open. “Wait, really?” states was the dream when it came to math team competitions. Sure, it wasn’t freaking nationals, but the schools who made it there tended to be the best of California. We would totally dominate.

Well, not “we,” I guessed. They. They would end up dominating.

“Neil, Neil, Dylan wants you to cut the skin off his apple,” Crista said, appearing at my side out of thin air.

“I heard him. I’m just trying to talk to my friends right now.”

“Your hands are free, aren’t they?” Mom asked from across the kitchen. “Can’t you grab a fresh knife?”

“Be right back,” I said to Jean and Jeremy, but Jean held up a hand.

“No, look, we can barely hear you. Go hold the fort. We have to practice, anyway. We’ll tell you more when we can talk properly.”

But I hadn’t even had a chance to tell them about Andrew. Or Palmetto. Or how Mom was doing. “Oh. Oh, okay. Sure. We’ll Skype soon, then, I guess?”

“Yeah, when we’re all free. Soon.”

I wrapped up the call, then dutifully removed the offending apple peel, to Dylan’s delight.

Over by the stove, Mom hovered behind Uncle Stuart, helpfully critiquing his cooking choices. “There’s some more room in the skillet,” she pointed out, leaning against the counter. “Why don’t you put it all in? It’ll speed things up.”

“Gordon says if I put too much meat in the pan it’ll cook unevenly.”

“Well, God forbid you disobey Gordon.”

“Woe betide the fool that tries, Mary.”

Outside, a car engine rumbled up the driveway. Crista and Dylan perked up as one, and, abandoning their snacks, sprinted to the front door, with me following after them. “Abby's here, Abby's here, Abby's here.”

Abigail Winfield, my mother's nurse had barely walked through the door when she was barreled over by two pint-sized missiles. “Ooff! Oh my gosh, I was only gone for a few hours.” She laughed, pulling them in for a hug.

Abby was a close family friend to Uncle Stuart and when we first came to South Carolina this summer, Mom ended up going to her hospital for her checkups. Between seeing her all the time at the doctors, having her over for dinner and the extra babysitting she does for the cousins, Abby had become a part of our newfound family.

“They’re attention-starved,” I said. “We’ve been neglecting them.”

“I know, that’s why I come by all the time. It makes me look better by comparison, and they’re so much more grateful to have me,” she said, poking the kids playfully in their stomachs as she spoke. They shrieked with laughter.

“How was it?” Mom asked as we entered the kitchen.

“Oh, you know. It’s a hospital. Glad it exists, but always gladder to be leaving it.” Abby lifted her bag and nodded toward the living room. “Just let me put my things down, I’ll be two seconds.”

“I hope you’re hungry,” Mom said to her retreating back.

Abby’s voice was bright and cheerful as she replied. “After David's cooking all week, I could eat a dirty sock.” David Wymack was her long-term boyfriend but he hadn't come by to meet us yet.

Mom rolled her eyes, then caught sight of me slumping back down at the dining room table. “How’s the salad coming along?”

“Oh, fine.” I reached for the peeler again.

“Sorry we interrupted your call.”

I nodded, not trusting myself to reply without getting all emotional again. I’d just really wanted to talk to Jean and Jeremy. So much had been uprooted. I just wanted something that felt normal. Or whatever normal had been created the nine months we'd spent in California.

Mom pushed down on my hand to get me to let go of the peeler. “Neil, you need to relax. You’ll have plenty of opportunities to talk with your friends. Everything will be fine. I want you to practice some mindfulness.”

“No, Mom—”

“Yes, Neil. With me.” Experience told me I’d best play along. Fighting would take longer than giving in at this point. “Now, I want you to picture all the things you’re grateful for. This lovely big house that costs an eighth of the rent of the one in San Jose. How’s that for a start? Big houses, and clean air, and having your mother around to cook you a nutritious meal … are you experiencing the gratitude?”

“Oh, totally.”

“Neil Abram Josten, I don’t want any of your sarcasm. Picture your fingertips. How do they feel? How does the wood feel underneath them? Abram?”

“Mom, honestly I feel a little claustrophobic right now.”

She took her hands off my shoulders with a sheepish grimace. “Sorry. But work with me here, Neil. You need to be relaaaaxed, and caaaallmm.”

See, freedom from my father had given Mom some ideas about the world. She’s not religious. Just more, I guess … spiritual? Basically, she believes in a Great, Ethereal Being out there in the universe that gives us whatever we want as long as we pretend that we’re totally happy and satisfied and positive. If we’re angry about something, though, it gives us more of it. A Great, Ethereal, petty-as-fuck Being, casually chilling out in the universe.

Which could’ve abducted Andrew, now that I thought about it.

Not that I cared about Andrew anymore, right?

Well, if I kept saying that, maybe the Great, Ethereal Being would make it so.

\- - - - - - - - - - -

It took me so long to assemble a decent state of mind for my introduction to Palmetto High that I practically sprinted downstairs, intending to dive straight into the car. My plans were thwarted, though, when I found both my Mom and Uncle in the kitchen, determined to put together breakfast for me. And, to my dismay, they wouldn’t take “no time” for an answer.

They’d decided on scrambled eggs. Which sounds simple, and fast. And it probably is, when you don’t go through three failed batches. By the time they managed to produce an edible meal between them, the floor was littered with meal detritus in the form of eggshells, burnt toast, salt, pepper, and errant smudges of butter. It was apocalypse by breakfast.

I inhaled the eggs as quickly as I could, dripping butter down the front of my sweatshirt in the process. Fantastic. I debated changing, and ended up abandoning it altogether. I sprinted to the car, nearly tripping over my own feet.

First day, the very first day, and I was going to be so late.

I made my way to school with all the speed of a ninety-year-old on their way to bingo night. Not my fault, I might add. I just happened to hit every single red light. Straight flush. How lucky can a guy get?

Luckier than even that, it would seem. I was apparently the very last person to get to school, because every single parking space was occupied. Swearing, I turned down the blaring music and crawled around the Palmetto High parking lot.

No spots.

Still no spots.

And yet, somehow, still no empty spaces even after five full minutes of scanning. This was simply joyous.

Finally, I found a place, right at the edge of the lot. It was under one of those trees that drop sappy, sticky blossoms over everything in the vicinity. Silver lining: shade. Not-so-silver lining: I’d be spending the weekend with a hose and rag in my driveway in exchange for the privilege of parking here. Did I accept the trade-off? Well, put it this way: I was late enough by then I’d have parked on top of a portal to hell if it meant I could stop circling this damn lot.

I ripped my keys out from the ignition and launched myself out of the car. Except I vastly overestimated my skills of dexterity. In other words, I may have failed to properly unhook my left arm from the seat belt before leaping out the door. Which may have resulted in me being yanked backward with enough of a jolt to throw me into the car’s side, and then to my knees like a human pinball. God almighty, this morning was some sort of sick joke.

In the brief seconds I spent slumped on the concrete, one arm dangling above my head in a seat belt sling, I had an epiphany. Everything happened for a reason, and somehow, something out there had been looking out for me after all. That’s why I was running so late. So, when I made a spectacular idiot out of myself, I’d have precisely zero witnesses.

While I was in the process of practicing mindful gratitude and disentangling myself from the seat belt I realized I was, unfortunately, mistaken. The Great, Ethereal Being of the universe hated me after all. Because a girl stood two spots over, clutching her books and staring at me.

She was had platinum hair with pastel rainbow streaks and was dressed in a sweater, skirt, and comfortable yet classy sneakers. She wore a cross around her neck but her eyes had an intensity that only someone from my sort of background could recognize. 

Well, this was mortifying.

“I,” I called out to her, “am fine. Just to clarify.”

The girl shifted her rather large pile of books to lock her own car. “That’s a relief,” she said. “I was concerned for a minute.”

“No need.” I straightened and grabbed my backpack off of the passenger seat. Semi-smooth recovery.

“That’s okay then.” The girl shot me a quick smile, then turned her attention back to her car. I figured the conversation was over, and started the awkward journey past her. As I got closer, though, I realized why she was staring at her car. Her clicker thingy wasn’t working.

Obviously, I couldn’t afford to be any later on my first day. But it so happened I was quite the expert in the operation of clicker thingies. So I couldn’t very well justify walking past without helping, right? Not least of all because it might further anger the Great, Ethereal Being of the universe.

“Can I give it a shot?” I asked as I reached the girl.

She hesitated. Which was fair, given what she’d seen of my competence levels so far. I straightened and tried to twist my face into an “I’ve totally got this” expression. It must have worked, because she shrugged and passed me her keys. “Go for the gold.”

Stepping around to the front of the car, I brandished the clicker and pressed as hard as possible. For good measure, I focused on gratitude and positive thinking, with a dash of mindfulness thrown in. To my great relief, the headlights flashed, and the car locked.

As far as I was concerned, that was me mostly redeemed in the eyes of this morning’s only witness. Score one for Neil. Ethereal Being: three billion. The gap was closing.

The girl raised her eyebrows, impressed. “Thank you.”

I went to pass the clicker back to her, but her hands were kind of busy with the stack of ten or so books balanced in the crook of her arm.

“Um, do you need a hand with all that?” I asked as we hurried on. The redbrick school building loomed in the distance, all menacing and intimidating. It was three stories high, with practically acres of freshly trimmed grass between the parking lot and the entrance, cut through the middle by a steep pathway lined with flagpole after flagpole. Also, almost everything was orange. Bright. Orange.

The girl laughed. Ouch. Shut down, much? “You wanna carry my books to class?” she asked. “What is this, the fifties?”

“Not all your books,” I said. “Just maybe one or two of the light ones.” I pointed to the two paperbacks on top. “You could probably manage the rest without me.”

“I think I can manage all of them without you, thanks all the same.”

If it had come from someone else I might’ve been offended by that, but this girl had a way of half-smiling that made me feel like I was in on a joke with her. I decided I liked her. I hooked her key chain through one finger and held it up. “Guess I’ll walk these to your class, then?”

“Actually, that’d be really great.” She offered me a brilliant grin, which I caught and threw back to her. Up this close, she smelled like sugary flowers. “So, guessing you’re new,” she continued. “you're short but don't look like a freshman.”

“Nope. A fun sized senior. I’m Neil. I just moved here from California, I guess. Kind of. Possibly temporarily, possibly for a while. Depends on some family stuff.”

Well, gee, are you sure that was awkward enough, Neil? If you try really hard, you could sound even weirder. Don’t settle for halfway, here.

The girl didn’t seem to notice the word-vomit. “I figured you weren’t from around here. Your accent and all. Anyway, I’m Renee. Where’s your homeroom? I can take you, if you want.”

Hey, I wasn’t the one with an accent. In fact, Renee had even more of a complicated tone than most of the other people I’d met so far. If I had to guess, I’d say Renee had originated from from way up north. So, it seemed someone else wasn’t from around here. I’d have to ask another time, though: Renee had reminded me how late I was. I racked my brain to access the memory of my homeroom teacher. It had blurred together with the twenty other names I’d tried to memorize. “Um, I’m with Mr. Hernandez, I think.”

“Oh, snap, you’re with us! That makes things easy. Follow me Neil.”

She picked up her pace and powered up the path, through the glass sliding doors, and down several empty hallways. I hurried after her, cheeks flushing. Great. Everyone was already in class.

She stopped short somewhere in the maze of classrooms and nodded toward a door. Right. She had no hands.

As expected, a sea of unfamiliar heads turned as I walked in. Awesome. To my relief, Renee stepped in front of me. “Hey, Mr. H. Sorry I’m late. Neil was lost, so I stopped to help him.”

Way to throw me under the bus, Renee. Mr. Hernandez, a middle-aged man, didn’t seem pissed though. “I’ll give you a pass today, Renee, but you’ll have to get creative for me to fall for that for the next hundred and eighty mornings.”

Renee headed straight to an empty desk. How did she know which was hers? How would I know where I was meant to go? “I wouldn’t dream of it, Mr. H,” she said. “I’ll only blame it on Neil for two weeks, max.”

Mr. Hernandez turned to me. Self-conscious, I crossed my arms over my chest. Was I supposed to introduce myself here? Was I supposed to insist that Renee did not represent me?

“Good morning, Mr. Josten. Glad to see you found your way here.”

Oh. That wasn’t so bad. I managed a smile. I managed to breathe. I even managed to ignore the rest of the students staring at me. For a few seconds, anyway.

Mr. Hernandez gestured to the back of the classroom. “You can take that seat. We’re going over some housekeeping things to kick off the term.”

I scanned the faces at first, then, overwhelmed, I settled for staring at the floor. It wasn’t that I was hugely shy or anything. I just … I mean, come on. No one relishes feeling like a zoo animal, right? I'd had enough people looking for/at me to last a lifetime.

Luckily, I made it to my desk without anyone throwing popcorn at me, which was a great success as far as I was concerned. Mr. Hernandez started talking about hall passes and library access, and I probably should’ve been paying attention, but my gaze kept wandering around the class. There were thirty or so students. On the surface, they weren’t any different from the kids in any of the schools I'd been at. Only your usual distribution of pretty to plain, self-assured to awkward, skinny jeans to boot cut to miniskirts. But while the class might not be any different from the ones I'd had, I could be. Different, that is. I was a yet another blank slate now. Anything could happen from here on out. Any of these people might become my best friends or worst enemies by the end of the year. I was totally in charge of my destiny this time around and there was nothing keeping me from being myself.

But no pressure, right? As long as I didn’t get tangled in any more seat belts, and tamed my use of the English language, I should be okay.

“Should” being the key word.

Suddenly, I realized Mr. Hernandez had stopped speaking, and people were moving. I froze—was it first period already? There hadn’t been a bell? I couldn't believe that I had already forgotten one of the most important skills of my childhood, pay attention and be alert. But before I could react, Renee had plopped her butt on the front of my desk. She had two girls with her. One was tall and curvy, with a determined posture that commanded the room, and cool brown skin. She was decked out head to toe in workout gear, from her sweater to her three-quarter yoga pants. The other girl, in a slight contrast, wore a pale lavender dress, that shouldn’t have worked with her pale skin but somehow did, paired with a leather jacket and high heels. She had flawless makeup and wavy blonde hair that made her confidence come out in waves. Unfortunately, she was the only one of the girls who looked less than impressed to see me.

“Neil, this is Dan and Allison,” Juliette said, pointing to the sporty girl and L’Oreal model respectively. “Guys, Neil moved here from California. Apparently he could move back at any time, at the drop of a hat.”

Goddamnit, my face was flushing. All right. My turn to speak. Maybe I should take this opportunity to prove my firm grasp on my first language. “Hi. Yeah, we spent the summer here, and my Mom figured hey, why bother going home, let’s hang out here all year.”

Dan looked puzzled. “Really? That seems like an … unusual thing to do.”

He shoots, he misses. “Um … yeah, no, it was … it was a, uh … a joke … we didn’t really … um … my mom's sick, so we’re staying here for a while to be with family.”

All three girls stared at me. I stared back at them. Then an enormous black hole opened up in the floor and I happily let it suck me into the depths of the earth.

Allison puffed out her cheeks. “That’s a downer.” Renee not-so-subtly elbowed her, and Allison made a show of nursing her rib cage. “Jesus, Renee, the hell was that for?”

“So you spent the summer in town?” Renee asked, raising her voice over Allison's, clearly trying to smooth over the awkwardness.

“Not right here, no. We were at the lake in Columbia. This is my first time in Palmetto since I was a little kid.”

“Oh cool,” Dan jumped in. “I spent a week over there, too. We probably walked by each other a dozen times without even realizing. How funny.”

“Dan likes to spend as much time there as she can,” Renee said. “She’s completely convinced she’ll end up in a torrid summer romance one year.”

“Closest I got was Grandpa’s lawn-bowling buddy,” Dan said, fiddling with her necklace, a simple rose-gold chain with a rose pendant dangling at the end. A rose-gold fox paw. “But he was more into me than I was into him, unfortunately. I don’t mind an older man, but I draw the line at sixty.”

I’d seen Dan's necklace before—on Renee, I realized, next to her cross. Yup, identical. On a hunch, I glanced at Allison. A rose paw at the base of her throat, too, catching the fluorescent light.

Renee tapped Dan's arm good-naturedly. “That’s what I keep telling you. If you want adventure, you’re gonna have to go a little farther than the lake, don’t you think? Scandalous summer romances aren’t a thing in South Carolina.”

I played my poker face. As far as I was concerned, I’d nailed it. That is, until Allison narrowed her eyes at me, leaned her elbows on my desk, and said, “Or not? Neil?” I blinked. “Hmm?”

But it was too late to play innocent. Allison gave me an evil smile and pointed right at me. “I saw that look! What did you get up to over the break? I’m assuming she was younger than sixty.”

The flush from before would’ve been but a soft glow compared to the way I must look now. “Um … I, uh …”

Renee jumped on board now. “He did, oh my. Dan, I stand corrected.”

Dan pouted. “Some people get all the luck.”

A nervous laugh burst out of my throat like a shaken soda can fizzing over. “Isn’t it time for class?”

“Nope,” said Dan. “Didn’t you hear Mr. H? She’s giving us five minutes to catch up on summer gossip. So, please, gossip.”

Allison grabbed an empty chair from a nearby desk and sat in it back to front, blonde hair bouncing every which way. “Yeah, regale us with all the R-rated details, would you? God knows the rest of us don’t have much to report from over the summer.”

“You don’t?” Renee asked her. “That’s disappointing.” Renee had a strange look on her face.

Allison waved a hand at her. “We’re not talking about me right now.”

On the one hand, I barely knew these girls, so should I really be sharing so much with them so early? On the other hand, they seemed interested, and I’d barely had the chance to talk about it with my friends back home in the big moving rush. If I didn’t tell someone soon, the words were going to overflow right out of my pores. I wasn't used to having news to tell.

I swallowed. “Well … maybe I did, I guess …”

Three heads turned back to me, and the stage person swiveled the spotlight right on my face. Allison circled a hand in midair. “Yeesss?”

“I did meet someone,” I said. “And … yeah, some things did happen. Um …”

“Someone? Guy or girl or … ?” Allison interrupted.

Well. So much for tiptoeing around pronouns. I’d known I’d have to “come out” here sooner or later, if you could call it coming out when I didn't think it should matter in the first place. But I’d already gone through all that awkwardness back in California. I spent so much time figuring out my sexuality that I kind of felt like I’d paid my dues, you know? Also, notably, Palmetto, South Carolina, was possibly a tad higher difficulty level on the coming-out spectrum than the L.A. area. I’d hoped it’d happen more organically, like people would kind of figure it out, and we’d all just know and act like it was normal, because it was normal for me, and we could skip off into the sunset with zero interrogations.

And yet.

“Guy,” I said finally. Weirdly, it was hard to make my mouth form the word. After all year of being comfortable and confident in myself back in California, I felt newly discovered again. And I did not appreciate it. "I'm Demisexual actually."

Renee nodded like she’d expected it. Dan raised her eyebrows and tilted her head, as though she’d spotted a rare bird or something. Allison blinked, and made a lemon-sucking face. Well fine. Screw her. I didn’t particularly care about her approval anyway, so.

After a slight pause that came close to uncomfortable, Dan and Renee spoke up at the same time.

“What’s his name?”

“Do you have a picture?”

I hesitated, then figured why not? I flicked through his Instagram—for such a hot guy, his pictures sure didn’t do him justice—until I found a photo that was acceptable. I held the phone out to Renee, and Allison leaned over to peek. I wished she wouldn’t, but I couldn’t exactly ask her to keep her nose out of it, could I? “His name’s Andrew,” I said.

Allison made a taken-aback expressions and Renee just looked thoughtful. “I know,” I said. “He’s out of my league, right?”

“Don’t knock yourself,” Dan chided, holding her hand out to see. Renee passed it to her silently. Dan checked the photo, then turned it back around to Renee. “Wait, Andrew—”

“He’s all right,” Allison interrupted, holding up a hand, all traces of lemon lips vanished. “And have you told Prince Charming you’re staying south?”

Good question. “Uh … well … he hasn’t posted anything in a while, so I’m not sure he saw,” I faltered. No need to go into the painful details of how many texts he’d left unanswered. “The move happened pretty quickly.”

“Oh? So he doesn’t know you’re here?” Allison asked.

I had no idea what her angle was, but it was clear from her tone—and Renee's sideways glance at her—that she wasn’t asking out of empathy. Probably to rub in that I’d been rejected. Which was the case, let’s be honest. Who disappears off the face of the earth with no warning for two solid weeks? Well, I'd definitely done that a lot but still. He’d probably blocked me from seeing his new posts. What happens at the lake stays at the lake, right?

“Well … no,” I said. So much for hiding the “he’s ignoring me” thing. “I mean, there could be a good reason he’s gone quiet. He didn’t really seem like a player, you know? He was really sweet. And I actually … kind of … don’t know where he lives, exactly. He told me once, but I’ve forgotten.”

Renee and Dan exchanged glances with Allison, then they offered me weak smiles. “Who knows?” Renee said. “He probably has a reason.”

She wasn’t convincing. Eurgh, was it that obvious? And here I’d been holding out some hope it wasn’t personal. But of course it was. A guy like that wouldn’t go for someone like me in real life. I have scars all over and my emotional availability is still developing. I guess I was probably just the best option he had available at the time.

After watching my face as I got more and more dejected, Allison jumped in and changed the topic. Which was nice of her. Maybe I’d judged her too quickly. “Anyway, Neil, has anyone told you about the party at Marissa's tonight?”

“I don’t even know who Marissa is, so, nope.”

“It’s our back-to-school-bash thing. You should come with us,” Renee said, clapping once. “We’re getting ready at my place after dinner. Can you get there around seven?”

I thought about it. On a Tuesday? I got that it was the first day of school, but really? It’d take a lot of bribery on my part to get permission. Assuming no one needed me for babysitting. I could deal with that if it came up, though. I knew what happened if you turned down your first invitation at a new school: you never got a second one. I’d seen it happen a few times. If I could help it, it wouldn’t happen to me. “Yeah, sure. Text me your address.”

With that, we hastily exchanged numbers. Then the bell was ringing, and Dan was dragging me by the wrist to my first class. It seemed I was adopted into the fox-necklace group. Provisionally at least. I’d far from nailed my first impression, but apparently it hadn’t been a total fail.

Good. This was good. Homeroom: achievement unlocked. The hardest part was over. It’d be all downhill from here. I could feel it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @zuelarr --> https://zuelarr.tumblr.com/


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A wild Andrew appears! Also, some prelude to the Allison side-story and a small introduction to the foxes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!

_ I buried my toes in the sand while the kids played in the shallows. It was one of those days where it was so warm the horizon seemed wavy and distorted. The sky was a darker, richer blue than usual, contrasting starkly against the fir-covered hills across the lake. _

_ A shadow to my right told me I wasn’t alone. Not that I was strictly alone to begin with—there were at least forty others scattered around, bobbing in the water, lounging on beach towels, perched at picnic benches. But none of them noticed me. Just like old times. _

_ Andrew sat down beside me, staring out at the lake as he did. Today he wore dark skinny jeans rolled up on the cuff and a black t-shirt that made his muscles show. “Those kids yours?” he asked, without glancing at me. He was trying to be cute. I kind of loved it. _

_ “Nope. Never seen them in my life,” I joked. _

_ “Oh. Excellent. Shall we go somewhere a bit more private, then?” _

_ I bumped my shoulder against his, grinning. “Wish I could. I’m on duty until at least six.” _

_ He kicked off his shoes and settled in. “Good thing I’ve cleared my calendar for the day.” _

_ I brightened. “Yeah? Don’t you have that family dinner tonight? I thought Nicky was making some fancy German thing.” _

_ “Technically, I do. But I thought about it, and realized I’d rather be annoyed by you and the gremlins than six feet of sunshine reincarnate.” _

_ There they were again. The familiar butterflies. They spent a lot of time fluttering around lately. I wasn't used to it yet. “Well, Uncle Stuart did just buy a new flavor of Ice Cream. It's got peanut butter _ _and_ brownies. ” I wiggled my eyebrows. 

_ “You're such an idiot.” His eyes said otherwise. _

_ Crista noticed him first, and she sprinted out of the water, with Dylan toddling closely behind her. “Andrew! Drew, you missed me before, I did a handstand.” _

“A handstand? Now I’m impressed. Do you think you could do it again?”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I may have slipped into the dinner conversation that I was super late for school after they forced me to stop for breakfast. Just to amp up the likelihood I’d get a yes and escape the house tonight. I know, I know, I shouldn’t have been guilting my family when they had tried to do something nice for me, but I was desperate. Well, not that I couldn't sneak out just as easily but I wouldn't have the car and I was trying to act like a normal teenager. It worked like a charm, too. After graciously forgiving them, I brought up the party in a casual tone, and the next thing I knew they’d said yes— with the caveat that Mom had to drop me off and pick me up. It was a family rule for any event that might have alcohol around somewhere, in case I made Bad Choices (i.e. spilling mafia secrets and/or pulling a knife on someone. It only happened once.).

I ended up at Renees at seven-thirty where her mom, Stephanie, steered me straight upstairs.

“I am so sorry you had to see the house like this. Usually we have it much neater, but we've both just been so busy.”

I’d seen messier hotel rooms ready for check-in. I tried hard to locate the “mess” on my way upstairs, like a real-life game of Where’s Waldo? One of the trimmed pillows on the couch looked like it was a bit crooked. That might have been it.

Renee's room, on the other hand, was what you could call messy. Could probably call it trashed, even. The floor— at least, I think there was a floor, it was hard to tell—was covered in no fewer than three layers of clothing. Allison was wandering around her room in a bra and a black skirt, digging through the floor-drobe. Presumably for a shirt, I'm guessing she was the culprit for the mess. She didn’t seem bothered when she noticed me walk in, either. What was it with girls and boundaries when it came to guys they knew weren't interested? I mean, Jesus, I’d just met her, and now I knew she had a freckle sitting right under her left bra cup. Was I the only one who thought that was kind of weird? Maybe I'm more behind on proper social etiquette than I thought?

Dan and Renee sat crossed-l egged on the king-sized bed. On the bedside table a half-empty bottle of soda stood beside a white lamp. Renee was still in her outfit from school, but Dan had changed into a black romper. Significantly more glamorous than the workout gear she’d worn all day. Both girls looked up as I came in; then, with a relieved sigh, Dan fished a vodka bottle out from beneath Renee's pillow. I guessed they’d thought I was Mrs. Walker.

Dan patted the bed next to her with one hand, refilling her drink with the other. “Neil! You made it.”

Allison clapped her hands, retrieved a metallic silver shirt from the chaos, and turned to me. “Hey you. I’ll grab you a glass. You can share our vodka.”

“Or drink it straight,” she added, swirling her soda around the glass. “You might need a stiff drink before tonight.”

What was that supposed to mean? I considered calling her out on it, but I decided to play nice for a while longer. No use making enemies in the only group I had right now. “Actually, I’m okay for now, thanks.”

Allison rolled her eyes back so only the whites were visible. “Let me guess. You don’t drink?”

“Not often,” I said airily. And by that, I meant “never.” The only times I'd gotten drunk were when fixing up injury's during my time on the run. I tried drinking a bit with my friends in California but all it got me were reminders of bad memories and a headache. Also the aforementioned knife-incident but that's not important. I couldn't think of a way to say that without revealing too much or sounding crazy, though, so I left it.

Allison raised her glass. “Then let tonight be one of the special occasions.”

I smiled with my lips. “No, thank you.”

Dan looked between us nervously. Allison blinked at me, then took a deep gulp of her own drink. “Whatever, dude. Chill. Take it you, uh, don’t smoke, either? What are your views on swearing and premarital sex, pray tell?”

I was saved from responding by Renee, who shook her head, hopped over the nearest clothing pile, and sprayed perfume all over it like it was deodorant. “No smoking tonight, please,” she said. “Mom’s been catching on, open windows or not and I don't really want to lie about it if she asks.”

Dan threw herself back on the bed and kicked her legs in the air in a kind of yoga-protest. I watched her, then glanced back to Allison in time to catch her gesturing to me while pulling an “is he for real?” face at Renee.

Allison didn’t realize I noticed her. Renee did, though. She chewed the inside of her lip, but didn’t try to defend me. Which was fair, I guessed. She’d only just met me. Why should she go into battle on my behalf? Still. It didn’t do wonders for my comfort levels. I’d better start practicing mindfulness real fast, or I might do something rash, like fake salmonella poisoning and bail. But then I’d have wasted all that emotional blackmail on my Mom, and ruined my chances at fitting in with a group. Even if it was a group that was maybe a little too normal for me, minus whatever Renee had going on. It was better than being alone.

I spent a solid twenty or so seconds thinking over all of the above. And by that, I mean I spent a solid twenty or so seconds sitting in silence, staring ahead mindfully. My brain had officially gone on strike. I think I might have been panicking.

Finally, a topic came to me. “Did you do that on purpose? Rose-gold fox paws?”

Renee unclasped her chain and held it out to examine it. “Yeah.”

“It's a thing we have with some of our friends,” Dan said. “found family and all that.”

“What do they stand for?” I asked.

“It's a symbol of strength,” Renee said. “making it through difficult times.”

“Difficult times?” I asked.

“You're not the only one who's been through shit, scar-face.” Allison said as Renee shot her a look. Allison brought the chain up over her jaw and clenched the metal between her teeth.

“I like them,” I said.

“Too bad they don’t sell them anymore,” Allison said. “Limited edition, you know? That’s why we don’t let newbies into the group. It’d ruin the theme.”

Before I spent too long floundering for a response, Renee jumped in. “Hey, finish your drinks now anyway, guys. We should probably head over soon.”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

The house was an anthill. Everyone at the party seemed to know each other—everywhere I looked was arm-clapping, and lip-reading from across the room, and people putting silent hexes on each other with angry, narrowed eyes. The temperature soared by at least twenty degrees as soon as we walked into the living room, and the air smelled like warm beer and Axe body spray.

Allison had to shout to make herself heard over the music. “I’m gonna go scout.”

With that she was off. To scout for guys, I guessed? Or alcohol? Renee hesitated, then held a finger up in a “one second” gesture. “I’m going with her. We won’t be long.”

And then there were two. Dan and I glanced at each other, basking in the awkwardness. How did you start a conversation again? I was about to settle for so, you like stuff? when she saved me the severe embarrassment by speaking first. “I know we’re only at the start of the year, but what are your plans for after school? Got any colleges in mind?”

A group of guys pushed past me to get to the front door, and we moved to the wall to get out of the way. “Not really. I’m not even sure if I want to go to college. I was hoping to figure that out sometime this year." My only future plans had been not get caught and murdered so having viable options was still new to me. "How about you?”

Dan brightened. Something told me she’d had this answer ready for some time. “Actually, I'm hoping to get scouted. After college, ideally, I’d start playing pro or coach a team.”

“Oh, you play a sport?”

“Yup. I'm the captain of the Exy team.”

“That’s awesome. I bet you're great at it.”

Dan glowed, and shrugged. “Well, obviously we don’t have to beat around the bush, I'm not exactly the model for Exy leadership.”

“I’m not beating around any bushes. You seem like you know what you're doing and you obviously care.” 

“Thank you.”

“You have the right attitude, I can tell!”

Dan laughed. “Thanks,”

“If I was a college scout, I would sign you right away.”

“Oh … you’re laying it on a bit thick, now.” Dan grinned, but it was an uncomfortable one.

“Yeah, no, sorry. That’s fair. I, uh … I’ll stop.”

I’d been doing well for a second there, too. A part of me suddenly understood why people drank at parties. It wasn’t to have fun. It was to forget how much of an idiot they made of themselves.

It was weird talking about Exy so casually with someone. There was a time when the sport was all I could think about but that was before everything happened. After nearly getting sold off to an abusive team and all the trauma that came with being in hiding, going back to it just didn't make sense to me. Too many bad memories came with it. 

Dan shifted, and then shook her head. “Come on, let’s go find the girls. Allison's probably getting into trouble.”

“What kind of trouble?” I asked, following after her as she stalked into the backyard, which was as crowded as the house.

At least the music was muted out here, and there was fresh air.

“Oh, you know. Just trouble. Teasing boys, mostly.”

We squeezed past four or five groups, then I caught sight of Renee's hair through the crowd. Allison was next to her, talking to a group of guys in orange-and-white letterman jackets standing in front of a wooden panel fence.

Then one of the letterman guys caught my eye. A letterman guy with blonde hair, a freckled nose, and hazel eyes. A letterman guy I knew.

The world fell silent.

It was him.

Andrew.

AndrewAndrew.

My Andrew.

We stared at each other in dumb shock. It was hard to tell which of us was the deer, and which was the headlight.

He spoke first. Which was excellent, because I wasn’t sure if I should be thrilled or accusatory. “Neil, what are you doing here?” He looked dumbfounded, but not exactly angry, before he schooled his expression into the usual blank face. That’s all it took for all my doubts to disappear. Of course he wasn’t ignoring me. This was Andrew we were talking about.

“What are you doing here?” I asked, before realizing that at least this was supposed to be his state. It was significantly weirder for me to be here than him. “You didn’t say you lived in Palmetto.”

“We live here during the school year” Andrew said. “I go to Palmetto High. Neil, why aren’t you in California?”

I was grinning. Beaming, really. A cheekbone-shattering kind of smile. A viral-epidemic kind of smile. Infectious-as-hell. All of the misery from the last couple of weeks, every bit of it, was gone. Like it’d never been there.

“My Uncle Stuart thought we'd move here to help out with Mom. He lives here. In Palmetto.”

“You never mentioned that.”

“Didn’t I? Well, he does. So do I now, I guess.”

“Oh my God, Neil, how awesome is that?” Allison cut in, her voice way too perky to be sincere. Andrew and I looked at her as one. I’d forgotten she was there until that moment. I’d forgotten anyone other than Andrew was there. “What are the odds? Andrew, Neil was telling us all about his summer this morning.”

Andrew's face turned stony, and so did my stomach. He wasn’t out to his family. God only knew that meant he probably wasn’t out here, either. Or at least, he hadn’t been. Until I’d opened my mouth. I didn’t know these girls. For all I knew, they’d already made a group chat for half the grade about Andrew and me. Uh-oh.

One of the letterman guys sidled up beside Andrew. He was half a foot taller than him, with the kind of jawline people write Tumblr posts about. “By the way, Allison,” he said, apparently continuing a conversation that had been underway when I got here, “how come you didn’t sit with me in Biology? I saved you a seat and everything.”

Allison softened. So she could be sweet. “You did? Sorry Seth, I was so tired this morning, I sleepwalked into class.”

I tuned the conversation out and stole a glance at Andrew. His mouth hung slightly open, and his stare was fixed on a spot in the distance. “Andrew, seriously. I had no idea they’d know you. It didn’t even occur to me, I—”

He held up a hand. “It’s fine. Whatever. Just, keep your voice down, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. So … where have you been, anyway? When I didn’t hear from you, I figured you were … I dunno …”

Andrew's face was still blank. “I was busy. Sorry. Anyway, good to see you. I’ll catch you around.”

And he turned his back on me to talk to someone else. Just like that. Something deep inside me snagged, like a loose thread catching. I stared at the back of his head with my mouth hanging open. He did not just do that. I was imagining this right now. I had to be.

Renee and Dan had watched the whole thing. Renee twisted her mouth, shot Andrew's back a dirty glare, then led me away by my elbow with Dan, leaving Allison behind with Seth. “God, he can be a real dick,” Dan said, as quietly as she could, given the music volume. “Ignore him, please. The Exy guys are all a little funny when they’re around each other.”

“A little funny,” I echoed. Every step we took away from them felt like that thread inside of me was unraveling more and more. Like my soul was unspooling.

Time to make an excuse to get out of here, now.

I think the girls might’ve been talking to me, but it was hard to say. The crowd was blurring, and everyone was moving in slow motion. A few people bumped into me as we moved through the living room, or maybe I bumped into them. Who knows if they apologized? Who even knows if I did?

Around the time we got to the refreshments table, I’d convinced myself this was a dream after all, and dug my fingernails hard into my palm to prove it. Unfortunately, the only thing it proved was that I was: a) awake, and b) still at the damn party. Abort mission. Now. Screw the repercussions.

“I’m sure it’s not that bad for you,” Renee was saying to Dan, holding out a ladle. “It’s just some punch.”

“I’m trying to cut down on carbs. Hence, vodka shots.”

“Vodka has carbs. It’s super carbed-up.”

Dan scoffed. “It’s definitely not.”

“It’s got potatoes in it. What are potatoes made of? Carbs, Dan.”

I cleared my throat, hovering like an awkward stalker behind them.

“Vodka doesn’t have potatoes in it,” Dan shot back, “it—”

“Hey, I’ll be back, okay?” I cut her off.

The only acknowledgment I got was a vague nod from both of them. Guess that was my pass. I broke off and wandered through the living room, pushing past body after body after unfamiliar body.

I had the desperate urge to go outside and call Jean, or Jeremy, or anyone, really. Just to hear a familiar voice. To drown out the fact that I’d screwed up my first day at school, and I’d outed Andrew, and that if he hadn’t wanted to shut me out after all, he definitely did now. And it was all my fault.

Out in the front yard, I sucked in a lungful of air and narrowly avoided passing out. That might sound melodramatic, but I hadn’t realized how stifling the smoke and body heat and beer fumes were until they contrasted with clean, crisp air. I trotted down the steps and continued around the house until I found a spot where I could slot myself between the shrubs and flower beds to lean against the cool brick wall. Suddenly, I didn’t even want to call Jean. I had to get out of here. I sent Mom a quick S.O.S. text, and settled back against the wall to wait.

A familiar voice to my right made me start. Andrew. Of course it was. I couldn’t have five minutes’ reprieve from this absolute bad joke of a day, huh? He must be near the front door, from the sound of his voice. I couldn’t let him see me here alone. No way. If we were playing the “I don’t care about you” game, the best possible way for me to lose was to be caught friendless and feeling sorry for myself. I’d rather dive into the writhing sea of hormones back inside, thanks all the same.

His voice was getting closer. That left me with two options. One, find a way to climb inside the rosebush and pretend to be a rose. I’d been a bush in a school play once, and, not to brag, but I’d been told I was a natural at it, so option one was solid. Two, flee to the backyard.

I fled. I fled like a bigot dodging the concept of equality.

Luckily, I acted quickly enough to escape undetected. I dove into the crowd in the backyard until I couldn’t see anything but the bodies sandwiching me. I clutched onto my phone as if it was a life raft, pinballing between random groups while I killed time until Mom arrived. Then suddenly I spotted someone I knew making out with a brunette. Not Andrew, thankfully. Someone with long, blonde curls, and a black skirt, and a silver top.

Allison. 

I froze, confused as all hell. Then I noticed what I hadn’t caught to begin with. Allison's same-sex make-out session was taking place in the middle of a ring of students. Mostly guys, if it needed to be spelled out. They were cheering, and fist-pumping, and generally being gross about it. So, what, Allison was doing this for show? Maybe. Except she looked like she was into it. Like, super into it. Not that I was any expert on kissing girls, but that was my layman’s opinion. Her hand was on the girl’s shoulder, the other wrapped up in her hair, and she hadn’t peeked once. Also, I’d been staring for a solid fifteen seconds now and she still hadn’t come up for air.

When they finally tore apart, the brunette burst out laughing, throwing her head back. Allison laughed, too, but it was a smaller one, and she bent forward to hide her face. She lifted her chin, watched the other girl for a moment with a pleased smile, then tossed her hair and turned to her audience, as if to say I kissed a girl, and you liked it.

Before she saw me, I blended back in with the crowd. It’s fairly easy to disappear when barely anyone knows you, it turns out. I walked aimlessly for a bit, dodging spilled drinks and staggering groups, until I found myself in the front yard again. Andrew was nowhere in sight. Neither was anyone else, for that matter. With a heavy sigh I sat on the curb with my feet in the gutter and settled in for the wait for Mom’s rescue chariot.

Way to utterly fail, Neil.

Slow clap. Encore. Et cetera.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @zuelarr --> https://zuelarr.tumblr.com/


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil deals with the aftermath of seeing Andrew again. What if the boy he met over the summer wasn't the real him? How does Neil fit into his new life in Palmetto? 
> 
> We are also graced with the presence of what is 'Kevin Fucking Day.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!

**Tuesday, 9:23 PM**

_Neil? Where’d you go?_

**Tuesday, 9:37 PM**

_Are you still here?_

**Tuesday, 9:51 PM**

_Are you mad at us?_

**Tuesday, 9:56 PM**

_Please reply. I’m sorry. Pick up?_

**Tuesday, 10:24 PM**

_Is this Renee? I don’t have_   
_your number saved. I’m not_   
_mad. Sorry, I went home. I_   
_think I have salmonella._

**Read Tuesday, 10:25 PM**

Even though Renee and I had sent a few back-and-forth texts on Tuesday night, I still wasn’t totally convinced everything was okay with me and the girls until I got into homeroom on Wednesday. On time, I might add. Early, even. I’d barely sat down at my desk when they swarmed. Anyone would think I was Beyonce. _See Jean? I can too make a pop culture reference!_

Dan spoke first. “Neil, I didn’t think you’d come in. What with the salmonella and all.”

Well, from her sarcastic tone it almost sounded like she doubted the validity of my food poisoning. “It was the mild kind of salmonella poisoning. Like, the two-hour-long kind. I'm fine.”

Renee and Dan nodded like this was completely understandable. Allison watched me like a cat stalking a fly.

“Okay,” Dan said, scooting onto my desk again. “First up, the whole Andrew thing … you can trust us to keep it a secret. He knows we wouldn’t tell anyone.”

I tossed up whether or not to insist they had the wrong idea about Andrew. Only problem was I couldn’t really remember how much I’d told them in the first place, and to be honest, it was probably too late to backtrack now. So I nodded and glanced around to make sure no one had overheard.

“Also,” said Dan, “we found out why he disappeared off Instagram.”

“Did you speak to him?” I asked quickly, half-horrified, half-eager. That couldn't have gone well.

The girls looked offended. “Please. You’re as subtle as a sledgehammer,” Allison said.

“We have our ways,” Renee added.

“We're on the Exy team with him and his brother so we got the scoop from Seth and Matt,” Dan said. “Matt said that apparently Andrew got his phone confiscated by his cousin for coming home at four in the morning before his family was supposed to drive home. So, we figured that was probably right around the time you stopped hearing from him, right?”

“Right.” Shit, did I look like I was thinking about Andrew naked? Because I was most definitely thinking about Andrew naked. I couldn’t help it. That night brought back memories. And I knew damn well why he didn’t get home until almost dawn that night.

“Apparently he was out drinking with a bunch of kids from the lake houses,” Allison added with a smirk. “Did you and Andrew spend much time with all of them? I heard there were lots of girls.”

Like I said, I knew damn well what he was doing that night, and it wasn’t a girl, that was for sure. If Allison was trying to upset me it was working. So this was the story he was telling everyone? I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me so much. It’s not like he could say what had really happened. But shit. It hurt anyway. I wrung my hands, furrowing my brow.

“Oh, sorry … did you not know?” Allison asked, all fake concern.

I plastered a smile on my face and looked back up. “It’s fine. How was your night? I saw you with a girl before I left the party.”

It was petty, but hey. It’s not like that was private. She’d done it with thirty-odd people practically munching popcorn in the front row.

Dan snorted, and Renee smiled softly. Dan nudged Allison. “Did you get too drunk again, by any chance, Miss Reynolds?”

Allison held my gaze. I could read her expression fluently: “challenge accepted.” Uh-oh. “Maaaayybbeeee,” Allison replied.

“Allison kisses girls sometimes when she’s drunk,” Dan said. “And we know it’s because the guy she likes gets off on it, but she won’t admit which guy it is. My bets on Seth.”

Allison scoffed. “Please, peasants. Also, I don’t kiss ‘girls’ plural. Just Marissa. We have a symbiotic relationship.”

Dan shook her head. “Yeah, well, I hope you’ve at least disclosed which guy you’re trying to impress to her. It’d be awkward if you both had the same conquest in mind, don’t you think?”

“Ask me no question, I’ll tell you no lie,” Allison said, glancing at me as Mr. Hernandez gestured for everyone to take their seats. I raised my eyebrow at her. Ever so briefly, she looked rattled. Then she turned away from me without a word.

I had a feeling I knew what she was trying to achieve by kissing Marissa.

And I had a feeling I knew why it was such a secret.

Guess the secret was ours, for now. Wouldn't be my first one.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

To my relief, I still hadn’t run into Andrew. I knew it’d happen eventually, inevitably, but I wasn’t ready for that encounter yet. It was overwhelming enough trying to navigate my way from class to class. Which, I might add, had so far been distinctly Andrew-less. So far, our timetables hadn’t crossed paths once, and I only had my English and Advanced Calculus to go. As of right now, Andrew was nowhere to be seen in English, and class was due to start any minute. And no way in hell would he be caught dead in Advanced Calculus. He hadn’t even known the difference between a derivative and an integral last time we talked about my favorite subject. Looked like I was about to hit a home run. No shared classes with Andrew Minyard.

Question is, was I thankful or disappointed?

Before I decided, the question became redundant. The teacher, a man who looked suspiciously like the one I had seen in Abby's phone background, had just gone to close the door when a group of guys skidded through, ducking under his arm like a high-speed game of limbo.

It was Andrew. Andrew, and a couple other guys I remembered him standing with last night. He didn’t seem to have noticed me yet. Seth and Matt had spotted a pair of lone desks in the back of the classroom, and they were in the process of racing each other to it, each pulling the other back by their T-shirt to gain distance. Andrew and another guy were strolling behind languidly with his trademark stoic expression. God, he looked beautiful. He looked confident. He looked like the kind of guy I’d never, ever, in a million, jillion years think I’d have a chance with.

Matt beat Seth to the desk by half a foot, and dove into the chair. Seth grabbed his arm and yanked it playfully, offering bribes to convince him to give it up. The green eyed guy that had been walking with Andrew turned and sat down in the seats in front of them, giving me a good look at his face. 

_Wait a fucking minute. No. This can not be happening. Why does the universe hate me this much?_

Because sitting across the room from me was _Kevin Fucking Day_. Kevin who I hadn't seen since the day my Mom and I ran. Who I hadn't been in the same room with since we watched my father straight up murder someone in the middle of an Exy stadium.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I was unpacking this later, I couldn't deal with it right then. It didn't seem like he recognized me anyways.

“Andrew, sit down,” the teacher said wearily from the front of the classroom.

Andrew straightened and whirled around, cocking his head. “Hey, Wymack, I didn’t know we were gonna have another year together. How fun.” So it was David, Abby's elusive maybe-fiancé. This was much easier to focus on than the reminder of my past sitting ten feet away.

Matt covered up a laugh with an obvious cough, and Seth shoved him, smirking. Kevin just gave a long suffering sigh.

“I was hoping you might show up. I prayed for escape,” Wymack said. “But once again, the fates mock me. Take a seat.” He indicated a desk in the second row, a few chairs to my right. It was too tight an angle for me to stare at the back of Andrew's head for long. How disappointing.

Andrew swung his backpack as he walked, the straps clacking against the metal desks and chair legs. “Anyone would think you weren’t happy to see me,” Andrew said in a deadpan voice, pressing his free hand to his chest.

“I’ve never been much of a masochist, Minyard. I see enough of you at practice.”

The classroom hummed with soft laughter, but it didn’t seem to be at Andrew's expense. There was clearly some sort of inside joke here that I was missing. Which, to be fair, effectively described 90 percent of my “new-kid” experience to date.

“It’s an acquired taste, but keep working at it and you might be surprised,” Andrew said, and the class broke up again. He shot a cheeky look to Wymack, and glanced around the room to survey the class. That’s when he noticed me. All at once, the slipped back into neutral. He cut the bravado act short and slumped into the chair, angling himself away from me while Wymack held up his hands for quiet.

The whole experience was giving me a headache so I decided to take a moment to compartmentalize. Somewhere up there, the Ethereal Being was smirking down at me from the sky with a handful of popcorn. 

Here's what I knew:

• Andrew was here, and from what I could tell, so was his brother and cousin.

• Andrew was friends with _Kevin Fucking Day_ of all people.

• _Kevin Fucking Day_ was also here for god knows why. I would have to ask the girls about that later.

• Andrew was on the Exy team, which I already knew, but it was nice to see he continued into this year since it was obviously something he was good at.

• Andrew had friends here, good for him, on the Exy team. I had met Dan, Renee, Allison, Matt, Seth and unfortunately Kevin but still yet to finally meet the elusive twin.

• David Wymack, Abby's... whatever, was the English teacher, Exy coach and apparently had a strange bantery relationship with Andrew. Interesting.

• And finally, Andrew was apparently ignoring me and pretending the last couple months didn't happen. Which was fine. _I was fine._

Because the lake wasn’t real life. It had felt like a movie, anyway. Everything was suspiciously perfect. He understood my trauma, he didn't shy away from my truths, he was respectful and we trusted each other. I at least though we could trust each other. He was perfect because we were imperfect together. How many times had I thought Andrew seemed too great to exist?

Well, joke was on me, in the end.

He was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!
> 
> I'm on Tumblr @zuelarr --> https://zuelarr.tumblr.com/


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil meets the math team and reflects on his past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking forever to update, I've just had a lot going on lately! I also tried rewriting stuff in third person since I always worry that first sounds a little cringey but it wasn't working out so that sort of ate up at my time. The next chapter should be up at some point soon so stay tuned!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!

A week later, and I was still getting lost more often than when I was thirteen and my mom let me explore the german town we were hiding out in alone. I was on my way to third period—at least, I thought I was on my way, but it might very well turn out I was walking in the exact wrong direction—when I noticed a sign on a bulletin board. _MATH TEAM MEMBERS WANTED_ was printed out in bright orange letters **.**

The words were accompanied by a blurry picture of some calculus symbols with a Getty Images watermark printed across the middle, the name Katelyn, and a cell number. I forgot all about my class and gave into a thrill of excitement.

My entire life, there had only been a few constants and almost none of them good. My childhood was riddled with violence and fear which then carried onto the life on the run. Even at this point, I was still constantly aware of my surroundings, nervous around strangers with questions and full of fear that my father and his men were waiting for me around every corner. But there was one positive thing that followed me throughout everything, math.

Math and it's rules stayed the same no matter where I went or which language I had to take on. It wasn't something I adapted and then ditched a month later when we got new names, it stayed and I got to cultivate it. No matter what city we were in, I could hole up in a quiet library corner and study theories for hours until closing time.

It wasn't until we were free and living in California with my friends when I got into the competitive side. Since we were always trying to lay low before that, I could never excel in my classes or develop a single shining characteristic. No one was supposed to be able to remember Chris or Stefan or Alex.

But Neil Josten was different. When I became Neil, all of those rules slowly vanished, or at least as much as they could. 

I always knew that I had a competitive side, a knack for mouthing off and putting my foot down. Once we landed in California, all I had to do was find an outlet. Exy was too laden with harsh childhood memories and bad vibes. While running, I did have an admitted obsession with the sport but once we had gained a sense of freedom, it fell away into an unnecessary focus. I didn't need it anymore and I had the chance to find something that was 100% me, not forced.

Jeremy was the captain of our high school's Math Team, 14 or so kids from different friend groups that shared a passion for numbers and quick thinking. Once I had reconnected with Jean after all those years, he introduced me to Jeremy and I was soon highly involved with the team. Laila had joined as well but Alvarez and Jean preferred to make fun of us for being _nerds_ and bring stupid signs to our meets. It was perfect.

So here I was, Palmetto High School in Southern Carolina debating wether or not to try to find that joy again. 

There were two ways this could go:

1\. I find an amazing group of people and re-cultivate what I had back in California or,

2\. Everything crashes and burns like my relationship with he who shall not be named did and I spend the next year wallowing in self pity.

I texted the number.

**Tuesday, 12:35pm**

_I was on Math Team at my old school, are you guys still looking for members?_

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - 

“You guys” ended up being a brunette named Katelyn, a round-faced guy in a hoodie called Paris, and a mostly-skinny dude with impressive biceps named Jim. When I finally found room 13b (which turned out to be a basement, something I felt Katelyn could’ve mentioned in her text to save everyone’s time since I had to follow the distant hum of chatter to find it), they were already discussing a calculus subject I vaguely recognized. The room looked like it was probably an old classroom with a couple tables in the center, various chairs propped up against the wall, and several math joke posters older than I was. It was too bad my actual math classes weren’t held in here. I kind of loved it.

They were talking against the far wall. Katelyn was writing on a whiteboard, Jim had a notebook propped up on his knee, and Paris was waving his arms around in protest of whatever Jim had just said. They could definitely use more organization, and people, but overall they seemed like a nice group. I was instantly excited. This was worth sacrificing my lunch break for after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: A lot of this writing comes straight from Sophie Gonzales's book Only Mostly Devastated. I've edited some of it but a large part of the general storyline and wording was written by HER. I just altered it. Additionally, the characters themselves belong to Nora Sakavic and her series All For The Game. Both authors are great and you should definitely check them out!


End file.
